The Confessions of Saint Alishan

I loveee the ‘Confessions’ of Saint Augustine, even to the point of unashamedly spelling ‘love’ with extra ‘e’s.

It is nothing but a book of reflective prayer to God, but written so that others may listen in and perhaps be helped. God answered his prayer, and many have been helped by his book, including myself.

I want to be honest too. I feel a great pressure, whenever I write, to be interesting. I want people to like me and consider me as smart and funny. This people-pleasing attitude is debilitating, as it causes me to excessively censor my writing, to the point where it disappears, failing to exist before it comes into full being. It is rather like a mental abortion, as I am afraid of the responsibility of owning my words, which can never be truly retracted.

I am afraid of being judged by you. “He is ridiculous! He is wrong! He is foolish! He is arrogant! He is pathetic! He is needy! He is immature! How cute! But not really! Why would he post that? Does he really think anyone cares enough to read it?”

I am afraid of this because I know it is what I do to you, as I stalk my Facebook feed, reading so many postings and ramblings of so many people. I judge you. I hope you can forgive me.

Lord, give me honesty like Augustine, but let my honesty be true and helpful to someone. Guard my words so that I will not speak foolishness into the world; let that kind of talk stay between you and I. You, Lord, put up with much foolishness, but your patience is infinite. This is not true of these beautiful people you have made, these who are reading. Our lives are short, and we must find truth and life before then end!

Show us the way, Jesus. You say you are the way. You will bring us to your Father, to dwell in his house forever. So indeed our hearts must be restless until we find our rest in you.

And may my pretentiousness in quoting Augustine without attribution be overlooked. Amen.

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